a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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