Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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