if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
