Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
