Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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