y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
