Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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