the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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