I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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