You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
