What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
