Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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