Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
