I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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