She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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