She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think people are normalizing furries
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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