Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
