I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
