I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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