a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
