Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
