Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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