im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
