I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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