He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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