everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
