you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
