dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize