I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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