That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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