i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
