The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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