I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
