He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize