Michael Bay diarrhea
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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