I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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