You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
