Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
