You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
