fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
