I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
