my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
