my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
