Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
