he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I understand Curling. That high.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
