There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
