i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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