like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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