I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize