new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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