I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
