It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
