i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
