I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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