While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
