Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dear god my vagina.
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