there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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