youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
