I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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