God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize