dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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