like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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