the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
