i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
