I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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