Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
