I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
