I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
